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BDSM in New York.
What the letters mean, the roles, and how a sensible New Yorker actually begins - without the mystique and without the nonsense. Free to join, 18+.
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The short version
What BDSM actually is
BDSM is the umbrella word. Under it sits a whole range - a blindfold and a firm hand at one end, an ongoing arrangement where one person answers to another at the other. What holds it together is not the gear and not how intense it gets. It is that everyone agreed first, out loud, and can stop it the instant they want to. Get that right and the rest is a matter of taste.
The three pairs
Where the letters come from
Bondage & discipline
Restraint and rules - rope, cuffs, a held wrist, and agreed consequences for breaking them. Usually the first door people walk through. There is a page on bondage.
Dominance & submission
One leads, one follows, by choice - for a scene or as the shape of a whole relationship. See Dominants and submissives.
Sadism & masochism
Giving and taking strong sensation because both people want it - a light spanking through to heavier play, always inside limits set first.
Clearing the air
What it is not
- It is not abuse. Abuse has no consent and no way out; BDSM is built on both. A scene anyone can end with one word is the opposite of being trapped in one.
- It is not pain for the sake of pain. A great deal of it hurts no one at all - control, trust, attention and ritual carry most of the weight.
- It is not a verdict on who you are. Wanting to be tied, or to tie, tells you nothing about how someone runs their life or their job.
- It is not unusual. The quiet fact is that a large share of ordinary New Yorkers are into some version of this and simply keep it to themselves.
For beginners
Where to start
- Learn a few of the words.You do not need the whole dictionary - start with the roles below and read around whatever catches your eye. The A-Z has the rest.
- Work out what you are actually after.To lead or to follow, a particular act, or just the feeling of letting go. You can change your mind; a first guess just gives your profile something honest to say.
- Say it plainly on your profile.The people worth meeting are the ones who read "new to this, curious" and message you anyway. Vagueness pulls in time-wasters; honesty pulls in the right few.
- Talk before you meet, meet in public first.Agree what is on the table and what is not, in writing, while you are both clear-headed - then meet somewhere public, however well it is going online.
The words people use
Find your role
Most people here answer to one or two of these, and nobody is held to the label they chose on their first day:
- Dominant / Dominatrix
- leads a scene and takes responsibility for it.
- Submissive
- hands over control, on their own terms, for as long as they choose.
- Switch
- does both, depending on the person and the day.
- Sadist / Masochist
- gives, and takes, strong sensation - a pairing, not an insult.
- Rigger / Rope bottom
- the one who ties and the one who is tied; both learn to do it safely.
Keep reading
Go deeper
Common questions
BDSM, answered.
Is BDSM legal in New York?
Consensual private activity between adults is a private matter. Keep it between consenting adults, keep it private, and keep a record of consent for anything heavier - that is the sensible line careful people draw everywhere.
I only like one small part of it. Does that count?
Completely. Almost nobody is into all of it; being into one specific thing and nothing else is the normal case, not a half-measure.
Do I have to pick a side straight away?
No. Plenty of people try both before anything settles, and switches never pick at all. "Still working it out" on a profile is a perfectly good answer.
Will people look down on a beginner?
The ones worth meeting won't - everyone started somewhere, and an honest beginner is far easier to meet than someone faking experience.
One more thing
Ready to meet someone?
Free to join, and you decide how much your profile gives away.
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