56 terms in plain English

The BDSM A–Z.

A plain-English glossary of BDSM, kink and fetish terms - from aftercare to wax play - so nothing on a profile reads as a mystery. Written for New York.

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A

Aftercare: The looking-after two people do once play is over - a drink, a blanket, calm, a few steadying words. The comedown can land hard, and tending to it is part of doing this properly, not an afterthought.
Age play: Role play centred on behaving younger or older than your actual age. Non-sexual for some, woven into a dynamic for others; as with any role play, it rests on consent and agreed limits.

B

Bondage: Restraint by agreement - rope, cuffs, straps - because being held, or doing the holding, is the whole appeal. See the bondage guide.
Bottom: Whoever is on the receiving end of a scene - bound, given sensation, or directed. Different from submissive: you can bottom while keeping control, and you can steer a scene from there too.
Brat: A submissive who resists on purpose and relishes the back-and-forth - cheeky, testing, there to be brought to heel. A playful dynamic, agreed like any other.
Breath play: Play that involves controlling someone's breathing. Among the riskiest things going; those who do it safely study it hard beforehand, and plenty of seasoned people leave it well alone.

C

Collar: A band around the neck that marks a dynamic - from one worn for a single scene to a day collar worn as a sign of a lasting commitment. It is offered and accepted, never simply imposed.
Collaring: Giving and accepting a collar - sometimes a quiet private moment, sometimes a formal ceremony. It signals a dynamic; it has no legal standing whatsoever.
Consensual non-consent: A negotiated dynamic in which one person agrees ahead of time to scenes that act out resisting or being overpowered. The consent is real and worked out in detail; the "non-consent" is the performance. A safeword still ends it.
Consent: The freely given agreement, revocable at any instant, that marks the line between BDSM and abuse. It runs continuously; it is never a single yes. See safety.
Crop: A short riding crop for impact - a crisp, pinpoint sting rather than a dull thud. A frequent first impact toy, because aiming it is easy.
Cuffs: Padded restraints for the wrists or ankles. Fast to fasten and unfasten, hard to get wrong, and the gentlest way to start with restraint.

D

D/s: Dominance and submission - a power exchange in which one leads and the other follows, by choice, for a single scene or as the shape of a whole relationship.
Degradation: Humiliation by consent within a scene - names, orders, being made to feel small - for people who find it arousing. Worked out with care, since where the line falls is a personal thing.
Discipline: Rules that come with agreed consequences. Half of the "B&D" in BDSM - structure and correction, by consent, inside a dynamic both people have chosen.
Dom drop: The slump that can catch the person who led a scene afterwards, once the adrenaline drains off. Genuine, often missed, and the reason aftercare has to go both ways.
Dominant: Whoever leads a scene and shoulders the responsibility for it. Leading well is a craft, not a question of how loud you are. See the guide for Dominants.
Dungeon: A room kitted out for play, at home or at an event. Far less gothic than it sounds - usually just a space with the right gear and the right people in it.

E

Edge play: A catch-all for higher-risk activities that sit close to someone's physical or emotional edge. The people doing it tend to be the most careful in the room, not the least.
Edging: Taking someone to the brink of climax and backing off, over and over. A tease-and-denial technique, and a dynamic in its own right.

F

Femdom: Female-led power exchange - a woman holding control over a partner who wants precisely that. See the femdom guide.
Fetish: A particular object, material or situation that is close to essential for arousal - feet, leather, latex. Widespread, and nothing to feel awkward about. See the fetish guide.
Flogger: A many-tailed impact toy. Depending on the falls and the swing it can land as a soft thud or a real bite - versatile, and a favourite for exactly that.

G

Gag: Something worn in or over the mouth during play. It brings its own safety rule: fix a wordless signal first, because a safeword is useless once you cannot speak.

H

Hard limit: A line that will not shift - something a person will not do under any circumstances. Said plainly up front, and respected without debate. The opposite of a soft limit.

I

Impact play: Striking the body for sensation - hand, crop, flogger, paddle - by consent and within limits. It spans a gentle spanking to much heavier play. Where you land it, and the aftercare, both matter.

K

Kink: The broad term for anything off the vanilla mainstream. BDSM is one part of it, and there is a great deal more besides. See the kink guide.

L

Leather: Both a material fetish and the name of an older, organised strand of kink culture, with a history and codes of its own - long a strong presence in the gay scene.
Limit: Something a person will not do, or will only do within bounds. Hard limits are fixed; soft limits are a maybe. Naming them reads as self-knowledge, not fussiness.

M

Masochist: Someone who finds pleasure in receiving strong sensation or pain, by consent. Often paired with a sadist, who enjoys giving it - a match, not an insult.
Munch: A relaxed social get-together for kinky people, usually somewhere ordinary and public like a bar or diner, with no play on the cards. The easy, low-pressure way into a local scene.

N

Negotiation: The talk before a scene in which two people settle what is on, what is off, and the safeword - while both are clear-headed. The unglamorous bit that makes everything else safe.

P

Pet play: Role play in which one person takes on the manner of an animal - a pup, a kitten - and the other plays handler. Often playful, often non-sexual, and a community in its own right.
Power exchange: The core of D/s - one person handing authority to another, by agreement. It may last a single scene or thread through an entire relationship.
Primal: A rawer, instinct-driven style of play - less protocol, more chasing, wrestling and growling. For people who are after the animal rather than the ceremony.
Protocol: Agreed rules and rituals inside a dynamic - forms of address, standing orders, ways of carrying yourself. It keeps the shape of a dynamic in place between scenes.

R

RACK: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink - a framework that says accept no activity is ever truly risk-free, understand the risks, and consent all the same. The grown-up heir to SSC.
Rigger: The person doing the tying in rope bondage. A craft that rewards genuine study - good riggers learn circulation, nerves and safe placement long before fancy knots.
Rope bottom: The person being tied. Anything but passive: a good rope bottom knows their own body, watches for numbness, and speaks up - the tie takes two.

S

Sadist: Someone who enjoys giving strong sensation or pain to a willing partner. Bound, as everything here is, by consent and limits.
Safeword: A word that halts a scene on the spot, picked so it could never be said by accident. "Red" is the classic. Not up for negotiation. See safety.
Scene: A single stretch of play, with a start and a finish - talked through beforehand, closed out with aftercare. The basic building block of BDSM.
Service: Submission shown through doing - tasks, attendance, ritual - for the pleasure of the one being served. What counts as service is whatever the two people decide.
Shibari: The Japanese-rooted art of decorative rope bondage, as much about the pattern and the look as the restraint itself. Best picked up in person; there are classes in New York City and upstate.
Soft limit: A maybe - something a person is unsure about but might try under the right conditions, with the right person. It sits between an eager yes and a hard limit.
Spanking: Impact with the hand, usually across the backside. For a lot of people it is the first step into impact play - instant, no kit needed, and easy to keep light.
SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual - an older guiding phrase for BDSM. Still widely used, though many now lean towards RACK for being honest that nothing is ever truly risk-free.
Sub drop: The emotional and physical dip a submissive may feel in the hours or days after a heavy scene, as the body's chemistry rebalances. Ordinary, and handled with aftercare and rest.
Submissive: The person who hands over control, on their own terms, within limits they set. Active rather than passive - the power sits nearer to them than it appears. See the guide for submissives.
Subspace: A floaty, altered state of mind a submissive can slip into during an intense scene. Lovely, and a reason the one leading has to keep a close eye and bring them back down gently.
Switch: Someone who shifts between dominant and submissive, depending on the partner and the mood. Not indecisive - simply at ease on either side.

T

Tease and denial: Building arousal and deliberately holding back release, as a dynamic. Patience turned into a form of control - and, for the one on the receiving end, of surrender.
Top: Whoever gives or leads in a scene - tying, striking, directing. Not the same as Dominant: you can top a scene without carrying any ongoing authority.
Topping from the bottom: When the person meant to be following quietly runs the scene instead. Usually a sign that something needs talking through out loud again.

V

Vanilla: Sex or relationships with no kink in them - the mainstream default. No insult here, just the word for the other thing. Plenty of people move between the two.

W

Wax play: Dripping warm candle wax onto the skin for sensation. Lower-risk than it appears with the right candles, and a common piece of sensation play - though the wrong candle will burn.

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